The 3 people you meet in every group project
I never feel more united with my fellow classmates than when a professor mentions a group project.
All happiness is immediately sucked out of the room, replaced by a mixture of fear and anxiety similar to what I imagine Frodo felt when he entered Mount Doom. But instead of having a finger bitten off by a creepy little goblin who talks to himself in third person, we have part of our grade determined by someone who may or may not know how to count after they run out of fingers.
Many times professors assign the project by first expressing their personal utter distaste for group projects. They seem to be completely appalled by the very idea of them, just like we are.
However, as Admiral Ackbar said: 'IT'S A TRAP!' This is a tool used by professors to lead to the reasons of why their class will have 77 group projects in the first quarter of the semester.
I would never be so bold to claim to know the best way to handle these academic adventures. But since I have been in college for an eternity now I have quite a bit of experience with group projects, and have noticed a few reoccurring characters in these journeys of endless suffering.
The All Talker
This person can be found working on any given project. When the project is assigned this person will offer to do all of the work.
The All Talker will assure the entire group of their undying loyalty to this assignment. They say that no one should hesitate to give them any and all work they do not have time for because they are glad to do as much as humanly possible.
However, the All Talker, as the name suggests, is all talk. This Type A whiz kid always feels really bad for being able to have done absolutely nothing on the project, and always has some very legitimate excuses handy when they have to break the news to their group members.
Somehow, despite giving their very best effort, they have literally been so busy the entire semester that they had to learn to stop sleeping. Also, all of their grandparents were rushed to the hospital in the same night, their cat and dog died, their car had a flat tire everyday, their project work spontaneously caught on fire the night before, they got the flu, strep throat, food poisoning, poison ivy and Ebola.
They had a very hard semester.
The Procrastinator
At least 3 times a week, I wake up screaming from a nightmare about being in a group with this person.
The Procrastinator refuses to do anything until about 7 minutes before the project is due. Every time any of the group members ask how they are doing with their part they laugh and say something like, 'Stop worrying. My part will get done.'
Then when they realize that it's due ' because they only had a 2 months heads up ' they panic and start making demands as if they have been working hard for the entire semester while everyone else has done nothing.
Hearing this person give orders is about as enjoyable as having someone squirt germ-X in your eye and then cleaning it off by scrubbing it with a wire brush that was dipped in rubbing alcohol. But on a bright note you only have to hear from them for one night.
The Unknown
I've never been able to determine if this person is pretending to be an idiot so no one asks them to do anything, or if they really have no idea what is going on in the world around them.
They always have a far away look in their eye, and they respond to questions with questions that have absolutely nothing to do with what was being discussed.
For example, if they were asked how they felt about how the founding fathers compromised with one another when writing the Constitution, The Unknown may respond by taking on a serious look, furrowing their brow and asking, "What day did the professor say that class was cancelled again?"
If they are faking I can't even be mad, because that is true commitment.
I would love to end this with some words of wisdom about how to have a successful group project despite these human obstacles, because that would mean I have had a successful project before.
Unfortunately, the best I can do is say I know your pain.
Good luck, and may the force be with you.